Saturday reflection

 

Reflection – Centered in Sanity

I woke around 3:00 a.m., and by 4:00 a.m. I was on the mat. At first I felt frustrated with my push-ups, my breath, and the way my spine is opening up. But whenever bad feelings come, I sit with them. By the time I finished stretching, I felt grateful. I realized I am a living miracle.

A teacher once told me years ago that you could “pop your back open.” I thought it was a joke. But after years of practice, I see what yoga is doing to my body and my psychology — and it amazes me every day. I feel in tune.

I jogged to church, and the reading from Timothy touched me. What I admire most is not the preaching but the dedication. Anything that is discipline, I respect. After church I kept jogging, kept learning, kept meditating.

Midway through my jog/walk today I passed people who are homeless like I am. I asked the universe to get me out of it. I realized something sharp: if you are not mentally strong, your brain will grow used to this situation. So I chanted — hard — and that chanting turned into determination. Whenever I chant like that I feel a clarity and a push: I must do better.

My thoughts went to my son’s mother and how she left. Maybe she tried, maybe she waited, maybe she carried her own reasons while I couldn’t find work. There’s something so deep when a woman walks away. I don’t harbor anger — I want her to be free. I want to give her that release, to say: be okay to leave. I can hold that and still wish her well.

I walked past Kroger and the jazz festival. People had money for food — they were buying, laughing, living — while I could barely buy my own. Those scenes are sharp, but they don’t break me. The books say don’t isolate; for me, self-love is what pulls me through these deep feelings. The fact that I can converse with my head — honestly — is miraculous. I ask: when will this not-having-money thing stop? I look the question in the face, slow my jogging, and put one foot in front of the other.

There is a strange love with these emotions — a drug of acceptance. It lets me see myself clearly, to accept what is, and to keep moving. That acceptance is its own medicine.

These days my meditation is about the present moment, because everything is here. I promised myself patience. My body feels like it’s in a miracle state — I can even feel it in my left brain. When doubt enters, I switch it back to gratitude.

The word that came to me today was sanity. I shared my truth from where my mind rests. When material identity disappears, you find God inside, and you become centered.

For the last five years, this has been my life: daily meditation, yoga, running long distances, resting only when I need to. My Buddhist practice and my Orisha wisdom align. They connect me to people, to trees, even to the sky. Today, looking up, I saw the stillness of the blue and white sky, and I knew: I am centered in sanity.

My aim now is to master lotus pose, maybe levitation one day. But today, I simply give thanks. I am a miracle, and each day I learn what the body and spirit can do.